Defenders Of The Faith, le forum Metal

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Ugh… chick metal. I don’t care how hot your front-woman is, if the music sucks then I don’t care. And yes, we all know Simone is hot. Smokin’ fucking hot. I’d pee in her butt and then take her on a trip to Poundtown. Twice. Hell, I might even set aside a whole weekend for her if she’s lucky. That doesn’t fucking make Epica good, it just makes me angry that people pretend to give a shit about this band just because they have a sweet set of tits onstage. At no point should the firmness of the ass of any member in a band be taken into account when judging musical merit. But yeah… Simone needs to get bare-ass nekked right now. And not just on the cover of a cd.

Still, the fact that people are paying attention to her only means that the rest of the Dutch fucks in the band will continue to think their boring, half assed compositions are good enough to get them press. Pfft, the Dutch are scum (someone has GOT to get that reference). Apparently they just do not believe in the term “too much fucking orchestration”. There’s a ton of it here. I mean, Jesus Tapdancing Christ, Dimmu would be jealous of the sound of the choir and orchestra. And by the way, the third song on an album is NOT the place to put in an eight minute ballad. What the hell is wrong with you people? And hey, try to make your ballads a bit more formulaic next time eh? I mean, surely you can think of something a bit more cliché then ballad verse, chorus, verse, chorus, pick up speed, “heavy” part, then end the song with another ballad verse and chorus… or whatever.

I can’t even listen to the whole album straight through without getting bored and passing out. I mean, Christ! The last goddamn song is 14 minutes long, which by all rights should just be illegal on shit albums. It’s some sort of fucked up endurance challenge. It’s like running a race, and when you get to the last hundred meters, you’re forced to run on a treadmill that is going backwards nearly as fast as you, and as you inch along, midgets are dumping buckets of piss, shit, and cow testicles all over you. If I wasn’t so sure that they actually believed that they were writing good music, I would have sworn that they are sitting somewhere laughing their asses off at everyone.

Every once in a while, Mark Jansen will show up out of fucking nowhere to throw out some weak ass growls. I mean, granted it does give everyone a break from the singing tits, but Jesus fuck, get a decent growler. Jansen’s vocals sound way too processed, but even then they lack power and substance. Not to mention the fact that Epica have been rolled into the prog scene because they randomly add or take away single beats from any given measure at the end of a phrase. It doesn’t sound prog, it sounds shitty. Stop doing it.

The only saving grace (besides the fact that I want to give Simone a nice, hot dicking) is the drum work of Arjen Van Something from God Dethroned. He does an awesome job, but still manages to piss me off. Why the FUCK are there more blastbeats in the goddamned ballad on this album then there were in the entirety of the last God Dethroned album? That is just sick and wrong on so many levels. Still, he shows off his drum skills, of which he has plenty. Also, to be fair, even though Simone’s voice sounds like that of a surprised pre-pubescent altar boy most of the time, she does stay on key. Then again, it’s hard to notice someone off key when everything has about 4,928 vocal layers. Whatever, not like I’m ever going to hear it again.

And now the part I’ve been waiting for. I know Ken is going to have a field day with this cover art. Show your love for Noren, brother!

“Here we have Epica’s latest. Cue cheesy mirrored shiny logo and a script album title that says “I wish I were as good as I’m pretending to be”. Then you’ve got the whole mythic tattoo shapes on the left, or maybe it’s a ‘hardcore’ book binding, considering the rest of the cover. Either way. Falling leaves and so on, your whole montage of random objects metal album cover. There should be a one click photoshop filter for this. Oh yeah, and Simone is nude. I just mentioned photoshop. More lame pointless tattoos, a silly expression, and a marketing ploy to sex deprived male fans. Oh yeah, and the concept of the album- she’s supposed to be Eve, and she’s trying to trick you into buying this record.”

Epica just needs to quit. Mark Jansen stopped writing good music after the second After Forever album. “Prison of desire” and “Decipher” are both great albums of this style, and Floor’s vocals are far superior to Simone. The only reason to buy whatever the fuck this album is called (I actually forgot just now) is in case you didn’t know that there’s free porn online and you feel the need to wank to naked chicks with shitty photoshopped tattoos and their naughty bits all covered up.

I will say this: after meeting Simone before a show last year when she was just hanging out… she really is that hot. I’m sure her photos are airbrushed and such, but she’s just hot. Her band needs to go away. She can be my concubine.

3 divine failures out of 10.

The only reason to buy whatever the fuck this album is called (I actually forgot just now) is in case you didn’t know that there’s free porn online and you feel the need to wank to naked chicks with shitty photoshopped tattoos and their naughty bits all covered up.

Gh0sT a écrit :Bon alors je suis le seul à avoir jeté une oreille sur ce troisième album ou alors personne n'ose le dire ?

EPICA Singer Infected With MRSA; Band Cancels Shows - Jan. 10, 2008

Singer Simone Simons of the Dutch symphonic metallers EPICA has issued the following update:

"Since a couple of months I have been struggling with infections and had surgery many times. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with me. After a lot of tests at the hospital they found out that I am infected with MRSA, also known as the hospital bacteria. The treatment of this bacteria comes with a strict hygienic schedule which I have to work through every day. Because of this I will not be able to go on long trips, let alone living in a tour bus. Therefore we are forced to cancel most of our shows in February. The shows on the 22nd and 23rd in Lille and Vosselaar we will still do since they are independent shows and very close by. We cannot plan too far ahead since I first have to get rid of the infection and that will take some time. How long it will take we cannot tell at the moment.

"We are very sorry that we cannot do these shows. We were all looking forward to this tour and to meet you guys. What I have to focus on now is getting well, so that
we will be on the road again as soon as possible. Please check out our site every once in a while for more information on this matter."

cillian a écrit :Rhaaaa ! Saloperie le staphylocoque doré, on peut même en mourir !! Mais elle a vraiment du être soignée n'importe comment pour avoir chopé ça à l'hôpital...

Tony Le Pouilleux a écrit :Je ne comprend toujours pas que personne à part Cillian n'ait réagi.

Tony Le Qouilleux a écrit :Ce soir, c'est Amanda Somerville qui fait le show.